I think it is about time that I
use my wisdom to teach today's youngsters about the things that are important in life.
The things that will help you become a indecent unproductive member of society. I know what
you're saying "But Princess, there is no hope for today's generation!" But you're wrong!
I know I can help them see the light. I feel it is My duty as the Princess of Planet
EgoMania to help guide these teens into adulthood by setting the record straight on
a number of things. So walk with Me children and lets discuss what's right and wrong
:
 "You Should never lie" -
Oh give me a break! Everyone lies..in fact I can say without a doubt that every person
in the world with the ability to enunciate has told a lie at one time or another. Lying will help you
get that job you want, the loan you need, to get you voted into public office, so I
say Go ahead and lie lie lie! It's the American way kids!
 "Just say No to drugs and
Alcohol" - Oh now that is just plain ridiculous! The people who preach this are
usually in there late 40's and have rolling papers, a Foghat poster and a bong stashed in their attics as a
fond reminder of their carefree days. I say
they are hypocrites, why should YOU deny yourself? I suggest you limit your drug
use to marijuana. Leave the hard stuff
like crack("New Jack City"/Mayor of DC) and Heroin ("Trainspotting"
"Sid & Nancy") and Cocaine ("Scarface" circa. '84) alone, for they will only make
you bloated (or frighteningly thin) and very very unattractive (Chris Farly)..and we don't want that now..do we?
Alcohol is a great party favor. Alcohol will make you the life of the party and also
make the people around you seem more attractive and appealling. Alcohol will make you
feel invincible. Alcohol makes your sexual appetite grow. I do suggest that you drink
responsibly, don't drive while drinking...it could damage your upholstery. Take a cab.
 "It is better to give than
to receive" - B-u-l-l-s-h-i-t! Whoever came up with this gem is full of it. Have
you ever felt better giving something than getting something? I mean..sexual diseases
not included. This is probably something the head of some charity made up to boost the
donation plate. Do you realize that in most of the charitable organizations that about
only 10% of the monies received go to the intended recipients, it goes to administrative
costs, salaries, and advertising? Why bother...if you want to make yourself feel better just toss
a sandwich at a homeless person every now and then it does wonders for Me.
 "Nicotine Kills" -
Yes...it is true that nicotine kills. It takes years for that to happen though, so go ahead and
be cool just like Joe Camel! Having a cigarette dangling between your lips makes
you appear cool and dangerous. I recommend Marlboro's because they have a lot of secret
additives in their tobacco that the cigarette manufacturer refuse to divulge and those
additives give you that much needed head rush we all need in the morning. When those
pesky side effects start kicking in when you near middle age...do what I plan to do,
sue them on the grounds that you had no idea that cigarettes were harmful to you and with the
settlement money retire to some foreign country with no taxes.
"Save yourself
for marriage" - Why? what if you marry some wanker and he/she ends
up being a cold lay? You need to experiment before committing yourself to one person and
And boys? forget those condoms they just get in the way and make the overall experience
awkward and embarrassing for both partners. You're young, the chances that you will get
a disease are like 1 in 10..so like chances are great that you will NOT wake up a
polka-dotted penis. If the act is not pleasing to you, by all means blame it on your
partner, it will make you feel better about your performance
.
 "Give your life to Christ" -
Why? What has he done for you lately? Has anyone seen this guy lately? He seems to
spend his time as an image on a trailer park wall these days. Has Christ paid any of your
bills lately? He only seems to speak to televanglists..so I think that makes him a snob. I have
made a deal with him...when he pays my AmEx bill I'll give him My life. Kids? If you
go on and on about your love of Christ the other kids will tease you without mercy.
 "Cheaters never win" -
What? I have never heard anything so silly. All through history it has been proven
that cheaters do win. So kids when it comes time to take those tests and PSAT
exams I think you should do one of the following: 1) write the answers down on some
part of your epidermis (that's skin to you) or 2) hire another student
preferably an Asian exchange student to take your test for you...You will be singing
the Yale fighting song in no time! I also recommend that when tax time comes that you
embellish a little..the IRS never bothers double checking the taxes of the common ilk,
they reserve the auditors for important celebrities like Kato Kaelin, Dennis Rodman and
Tom Arnold.
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I could go on and on but I don't want to tax your little glue sniffing brains. I
hope you absorb and appreciate this knowlege. It will only be a matter of time
before you put this information to use and it is also my wish that I never run
into any of your parents.
created/edited 09-06-97/ 11-23-98
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